Sunday, February 17, 2008

Pissin' Vinegar

"Damn it!" he whispered underneath his breath. He could hear her feet shuffling down the hallway as he frantically tried to pull the toilet paper off of the role. She caught him...

"What are you doing? Did, did you piss on the toilet seat again? AAAGGGHHH!" she sighed. "You know I can feel that when I sit on the toilet seat right!" she proclaimed in a digusted tone. "You are so nasty! Raise the damn toilet seat when you go to do that!"

"Baby", he said in a low, sympathetic tone. "I was half asleep and I had to piss and I forgot to raise..." It didn't matter, his words fell on deaf ears.

He went to the sink to wash his hands. She went to the hall closet to get him the damn bathroom cleaner.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Ode to the Captain

It was somewhere around 1130 pm when the excessive drug-induced music of the late 60's and early 70's counterculture music grabbed a hold of my nutsack and would not let go. Oh yes my friend it proved to be an evening of excess and dead brown leaves lying beside my feet.

"Damn it man!" I drunkenly yelled at my friend. "You drank all of the Captain!" there was a hint of vigiliance in my voice.

"Hey man, its all gonna be ok." he tried to drunkenly comfort me.

"We must remedy this situation you freak!" I said with an urgent tone.

"I got your remedy man." he slurred as he pulled a bottle of dark ugly bitterness out of the cooler. "Its beer man".

That was all we had? "Fuck you!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, as a black man with a sunken chest walked through the hall. I yelled at him too "Hey, man we dont have to stand for this! This Nazi bastard trying to remedy captain for beer!"

"Thats right mon! You tell it!" he replied in a deep Jamaican accent.

"Shooo, fuck me." I said under my breath. These were the words that would hold so true for the first part of the evening. I knew from that point forward that I would be on this mission by myself. No beer drinking Nazi bastard and his Jamaican friend with a sunken chest could stop me now.

"Where will I go? I have no keys and I have no money; but surely this remedy is much deeper than money, or keys for that matter" I said to myself as I was trying to figure out the golden rotary locks on my front door.

"Out the door and through the woods!" I yelled as I made my way into a pasture with 4 pine trees in it. Where I was going, that did not matter as I was in a state of panic. For I could not concieve how the forces of nature could continue to be a force without my dear friends captain and coke meeting once again.