"Damn it!" he whispered underneath his breath. He could hear her feet shuffling down the hallway as he frantically tried to pull the toilet paper off of the role. She caught him...
"What are you doing? Did, did you piss on the toilet seat again? AAAGGGHHH!" she sighed. "You know I can feel that when I sit on the toilet seat right!" she proclaimed in a digusted tone. "You are so nasty! Raise the damn toilet seat when you go to do that!"
"Baby", he said in a low, sympathetic tone. "I was half asleep and I had to piss and I forgot to raise..." It didn't matter, his words fell on deaf ears.
He went to the sink to wash his hands. She went to the hall closet to get him the damn bathroom cleaner.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Ode to the Captain
It was somewhere around 1130 pm when the excessive drug-induced music of the late 60's and early 70's counterculture music grabbed a hold of my nutsack and would not let go. Oh yes my friend it proved to be an evening of excess and dead brown leaves lying beside my feet.
"Damn it man!" I drunkenly yelled at my friend. "You drank all of the Captain!" there was a hint of vigiliance in my voice.
"Hey man, its all gonna be ok." he tried to drunkenly comfort me.
"We must remedy this situation you freak!" I said with an urgent tone.
"I got your remedy man." he slurred as he pulled a bottle of dark ugly bitterness out of the cooler. "Its beer man".
That was all we had? "Fuck you!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, as a black man with a sunken chest walked through the hall. I yelled at him too "Hey, man we dont have to stand for this! This Nazi bastard trying to remedy captain for beer!"
"Thats right mon! You tell it!" he replied in a deep Jamaican accent.
"Shooo, fuck me." I said under my breath. These were the words that would hold so true for the first part of the evening. I knew from that point forward that I would be on this mission by myself. No beer drinking Nazi bastard and his Jamaican friend with a sunken chest could stop me now.
"Where will I go? I have no keys and I have no money; but surely this remedy is much deeper than money, or keys for that matter" I said to myself as I was trying to figure out the golden rotary locks on my front door.
"Out the door and through the woods!" I yelled as I made my way into a pasture with 4 pine trees in it. Where I was going, that did not matter as I was in a state of panic. For I could not concieve how the forces of nature could continue to be a force without my dear friends captain and coke meeting once again.
"Damn it man!" I drunkenly yelled at my friend. "You drank all of the Captain!" there was a hint of vigiliance in my voice.
"Hey man, its all gonna be ok." he tried to drunkenly comfort me.
"We must remedy this situation you freak!" I said with an urgent tone.
"I got your remedy man." he slurred as he pulled a bottle of dark ugly bitterness out of the cooler. "Its beer man".
That was all we had? "Fuck you!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, as a black man with a sunken chest walked through the hall. I yelled at him too "Hey, man we dont have to stand for this! This Nazi bastard trying to remedy captain for beer!"
"Thats right mon! You tell it!" he replied in a deep Jamaican accent.
"Shooo, fuck me." I said under my breath. These were the words that would hold so true for the first part of the evening. I knew from that point forward that I would be on this mission by myself. No beer drinking Nazi bastard and his Jamaican friend with a sunken chest could stop me now.
"Where will I go? I have no keys and I have no money; but surely this remedy is much deeper than money, or keys for that matter" I said to myself as I was trying to figure out the golden rotary locks on my front door.
"Out the door and through the woods!" I yelled as I made my way into a pasture with 4 pine trees in it. Where I was going, that did not matter as I was in a state of panic. For I could not concieve how the forces of nature could continue to be a force without my dear friends captain and coke meeting once again.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
A Lover Quarrells
"I really wish you would lock the door when you come home!" she said with a sense of urgency. "Did you hear me? I said I wish you would lock the damn door!"
He pretended to ignore her and continued watching TV.
"Hey!" she yelled. "Are you listening to me? I said you need to lock the damn door!". She yelled as she hurled a stuffed animal at him, striking him on the side of the head.
He slowly picked up his towel and wiped the beads of sweat off of his forehead. He then picked up the remote and changed the channel on the TV.
"AAAGGGHHH" she yelled; as she went into the kitchen to do the dishes.
He pretended to ignore her and continued watching TV.
"Hey!" she yelled. "Are you listening to me? I said you need to lock the damn door!". She yelled as she hurled a stuffed animal at him, striking him on the side of the head.
He slowly picked up his towel and wiped the beads of sweat off of his forehead. He then picked up the remote and changed the channel on the TV.
"AAAGGGHHH" she yelled; as she went into the kitchen to do the dishes.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Cactus in the pants
The old guy said: "I dont watch the Bravo (TV Channel), those queer guys are on it"
So here it is, I confess...one of my favorite things to do is to look up the home page of the various towns that I have lived in throughout the years; which at the most recent count is 9. I check in just to see what is going on, look at some pictures, and wax nastalgic.
Recently I was looking at one of those towns and came across something a little strange. As I was scrolling down I saw the typical city homepage stuff: community calendar, city council, fire department, etc. When I looked at the police drop down menu up came the "Local Sex Offender Registry". hhhmmmm...I clicked on it and what popped up was quite amazing. I had a list of all of the local offenders, their present address, and pictures of them since convicted. I sifted through them and noticed a few familiar former school mates.
Then I began to wonder...Why would anyone put this stuff on a city homepage? For something that is supposed to attract visitors to the community, this seemed a little odd to me. Unless you are giving visitors something to do in an otherwise boring town. You could give guided tours "...and here resides John Boy the ring leader of our local child porno ring...ahh and over here across the street is..." or you could have a nice game every saturday night of "pin the tail on the rapist" even a "where's Waldo" contest of sorts...
This all seemed so strange to me that I checked a few other area towns of a comprable size to see if I could find any other registries...Of course I couldn't, and I believe that is because they actually want people to visit there town.
I do understand why these registries exist; and I am trying to not make fun of the purpose that they serve. However, I don't understand why it is in the middle of a towns "attractions" page? I think some I.T. guy in West Texas hit the peyote a little too hard that day.
So here it is, I confess...one of my favorite things to do is to look up the home page of the various towns that I have lived in throughout the years; which at the most recent count is 9. I check in just to see what is going on, look at some pictures, and wax nastalgic.
Recently I was looking at one of those towns and came across something a little strange. As I was scrolling down I saw the typical city homepage stuff: community calendar, city council, fire department, etc. When I looked at the police drop down menu up came the "Local Sex Offender Registry". hhhmmmm...I clicked on it and what popped up was quite amazing. I had a list of all of the local offenders, their present address, and pictures of them since convicted. I sifted through them and noticed a few familiar former school mates.
Then I began to wonder...Why would anyone put this stuff on a city homepage? For something that is supposed to attract visitors to the community, this seemed a little odd to me. Unless you are giving visitors something to do in an otherwise boring town. You could give guided tours "...and here resides John Boy the ring leader of our local child porno ring...ahh and over here across the street is..." or you could have a nice game every saturday night of "pin the tail on the rapist" even a "where's Waldo" contest of sorts...
This all seemed so strange to me that I checked a few other area towns of a comprable size to see if I could find any other registries...Of course I couldn't, and I believe that is because they actually want people to visit there town.
I do understand why these registries exist; and I am trying to not make fun of the purpose that they serve. However, I don't understand why it is in the middle of a towns "attractions" page? I think some I.T. guy in West Texas hit the peyote a little too hard that day.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
I Listen to a Pink IPOD
The world of insurance is freaking exciting! I mean who wouldn't want to spend their days staring crosseyed at not one, but 2 computer screens, all the while trying to make sense of a bunch of numbers and legal jargon. This is what I have chosen to do, and while it is definately not a bad job, you still need something to help get you through the day. Many of my colleagues, including myself, chose to bring there ipods in to work. We spend a couple minutes of every day discussing playlists, new music, etc... My ipod died one day last year so I inherited my wifes lovely, girly, pink ipod.
The color of the ipod never really bothered me. It plays all of the same music at the same quality level so beyond the occasional joking from my friends i never really paid much attention to the color. Then for christmas earlier this week I recieved a nice, beautiful black ipod. This ipod not only plays music but videos and movies! Needless to say I was excited.
Then my black ipod world came crumbling down when i brought it home, took it out of the case, and plugged it in to my computer. It just so happens that my computer (that is a mac) is to old for my ipod and I have to go and buy a $130 program to make it work. I grew very angry at this and said a few choice words at that moment. But, more importantly I grew less and less happy with the pink ipod. I would pick it up and quickly put it down on the way out to work. On the day that I did take it to work I played one song and quickly turned it off, frustrated with the fact that it was not black, did not have video, and could not display pictures.
Then, reluctantly, I decided that it was all ridiculous and that these things don't matter. Why should I let the color or capabilities of a music player piss me off. After all it is a music player and as long as it plays music then this is all that matters, right? So if you see me walking the streets of Cincinnati with my earbuds in...just know that I am rocking out with a pink ipod! It is my good friend and confidant and i will never get rid of her...unless of course my black ipod starts working or something, but even then I will hold a fond place in my heart for the pink ipod.
The color of the ipod never really bothered me. It plays all of the same music at the same quality level so beyond the occasional joking from my friends i never really paid much attention to the color. Then for christmas earlier this week I recieved a nice, beautiful black ipod. This ipod not only plays music but videos and movies! Needless to say I was excited.
Then my black ipod world came crumbling down when i brought it home, took it out of the case, and plugged it in to my computer. It just so happens that my computer (that is a mac) is to old for my ipod and I have to go and buy a $130 program to make it work. I grew very angry at this and said a few choice words at that moment. But, more importantly I grew less and less happy with the pink ipod. I would pick it up and quickly put it down on the way out to work. On the day that I did take it to work I played one song and quickly turned it off, frustrated with the fact that it was not black, did not have video, and could not display pictures.
Then, reluctantly, I decided that it was all ridiculous and that these things don't matter. Why should I let the color or capabilities of a music player piss me off. After all it is a music player and as long as it plays music then this is all that matters, right? So if you see me walking the streets of Cincinnati with my earbuds in...just know that I am rocking out with a pink ipod! It is my good friend and confidant and i will never get rid of her...unless of course my black ipod starts working or something, but even then I will hold a fond place in my heart for the pink ipod.
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