Thursday, May 28, 2009

one minute rhyme

rang a ling
its my good friend Kyle
he has a lot of style.
We talk about cool wife Les,
and Kyle proclaims she is the best.
Livin' it up in the NYC,
drinking scotch and watchin' the Lebowski.
We relive our old memory,
hoppin' down to Tulsa and the former anarchy.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Voters Remorse

"So how are you going to vote today?" she asked.

Ok, let me back up a second. I knew this question was coming as I have been dodging it for the last 6 months. She knew exactly who she was going to vote for before the primary. I, on the other hand, was struggling in this department. I really was torn between the two candidates and couldn't figure out which way to go. It really bothered me. I would love to commit either way and give my all to one cause or the other; but, nothing seemed right. All of the "decided" people kept telling me who to vote for and it had really started to piss me off. Not because of there pushiness but because of my own indecisiveness.

"I will probably just decide when I get the ballot" I replied to her in the same way for the 100th time this month. This of course wasn't good enough as she went into the normal spiel that I got every day. First, she would have me break out the top 3 issues that I liked about each candidate and then did the same for the things that I did not like. Then we would weigh them and to her dismay everything always came out even. "Thats quite a dilemma you have there" she would say underneath her breath.

The drive to the polling station was a short one, just up the street and around the corner to the local Baptist church. We walked in to find lines of half asleep people parading around the church. People had stickers attached to their shirts promoting the candidate that they wanted to win. They were wearing them proud almost as if to say "disagree with my sticker and I will make you look like a fool". Thats how I felt anyways.

The first line moved fairly quickly. We made our way through the foyer to the first table where the poll workers had stuck the elderly volunteers. They were there to tell us the next line that we needed to get in. We went to the next line and made our way to the table where the "real" poll workers were. These workers were a vicious bunch. I felt almost like I was walking into the DMV at 630 in the morning as I had flashbacks of cranky government workers yelling at their patrons. It was not the most pleasant of situations.

We made our way to the front of the line and the time came as the poll worker pointed me to my poll booth. I walked up and inserted my card to see the ballot pop up on the touch screen monitor. I could feel my palms getting sweaty, as I rubbed my hands together. Butterflies were fluttering in my stomach as I knew that the time had come for me to make this crucial decision. This one decision could affect my country, my relationship with my family, and would definitely mean the loss of friends. What would I do? I sat there for what seemed like 30 minutes choosing one candidate and then un-choosing and marking the other one. Finally I just closed my eyes and touched the screen and hit the next button very quickly to move on. I made my way through the rest of the ballot and then it replayed all of the choices that I had made. "Son of a bitch" I whispered "I can't vote for that dumb ass" so I found myself back to square one. I went back through the same sequence of closing my eyes and quickly skipped the review function this time. It was done.

I turned around and she was waiting impatiently, almost angrily. Her arms were crossed over her chest and she shook her head as I turned to face her. The final poll worker (an old guy) came up and handed me my sticker "thanks for voting" he said tipping his hat and giving me that genuine old-guy smile, as if to say you did the right thing. For some reason his attitude pissed me off. We walked through the lobby to the parking lot and I observed the other people that had voted. Everyone had this smug look on their face as if to say "Yeah , I voted, I did my one patriotic duty for the next 4 years, what's it to you?".

As we made our way outside I looked to her and she had that same look on her face. That smug look with a small smile...I was enraged. We got into the car and the questions started.

"So how did you vote?" she asked. I sat there for a minute just focused on the road ahead of me. "Are you going to tell me?" she asked again. "Well, how did you vote?" I asked with an irritated tone in my voice. "You know how I voted. I sure haven't changed my view over the last 6 months why would I change now?".

I sat there pondering my next response when it came to me and out of my mouth all in one moment. "Well the way I see it your vote didn't count!". I knew as soon as I said it that I was in too deep. Now I had to explain myself and no matter how many "I love you's" that I said to her I knew I would be in trouble for a long time.

We rolled up to a stop light and I turned to face her. She was glaring at me! Her nostrils were flaring and she had a twitch in her right eye. "what do you mean?" she asked almost underneath her breath. "Well" I began to explain "I played a little roulette with my choices. It is like going up against a 5 man firing squad in which one gun has a blank and the rest of the guns have a live round in it. The way that I see it is the liklihood that I voted the same as you is very slim so since we have 2 opposing votes then yours, well it doesn't really..." I stopped short of finishing as the light turned green.

We sat in silence for the next 5 miles. "Your a real asshole, you know that!" she said breaking the silence. I turned away and gazed out the window smiling. I then put my smug look on my face and returned to the road. "I love you honey" I said softly.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Weddings & Presidential Elections

I have now confirmed my long belief that weddings and presidential elections are 2 occasions that bring out the absolute worst in people. On the eve of the election tensions are high with feelings and attitudes about who the new president should be. Today, for instance, at work 2 coworkers got into a disagreement about the presidential nominees and the "democrat" proceeded to proclaim that all "republicans" are racist pigs! That one ended well as you can tell! Other friends of mine are foaming at the mouth with hatred for people who disagree with them politically (little do they know i disagree with all of them). Needless to say I am ready for this one to be over.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Pissin' Vinegar

"Damn it!" he whispered underneath his breath. He could hear her feet shuffling down the hallway as he frantically tried to pull the toilet paper off of the role. She caught him...

"What are you doing? Did, did you piss on the toilet seat again? AAAGGGHHH!" she sighed. "You know I can feel that when I sit on the toilet seat right!" she proclaimed in a digusted tone. "You are so nasty! Raise the damn toilet seat when you go to do that!"

"Baby", he said in a low, sympathetic tone. "I was half asleep and I had to piss and I forgot to raise..." It didn't matter, his words fell on deaf ears.

He went to the sink to wash his hands. She went to the hall closet to get him the damn bathroom cleaner.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Ode to the Captain

It was somewhere around 1130 pm when the excessive drug-induced music of the late 60's and early 70's counterculture music grabbed a hold of my nutsack and would not let go. Oh yes my friend it proved to be an evening of excess and dead brown leaves lying beside my feet.

"Damn it man!" I drunkenly yelled at my friend. "You drank all of the Captain!" there was a hint of vigiliance in my voice.

"Hey man, its all gonna be ok." he tried to drunkenly comfort me.

"We must remedy this situation you freak!" I said with an urgent tone.

"I got your remedy man." he slurred as he pulled a bottle of dark ugly bitterness out of the cooler. "Its beer man".

That was all we had? "Fuck you!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, as a black man with a sunken chest walked through the hall. I yelled at him too "Hey, man we dont have to stand for this! This Nazi bastard trying to remedy captain for beer!"

"Thats right mon! You tell it!" he replied in a deep Jamaican accent.

"Shooo, fuck me." I said under my breath. These were the words that would hold so true for the first part of the evening. I knew from that point forward that I would be on this mission by myself. No beer drinking Nazi bastard and his Jamaican friend with a sunken chest could stop me now.

"Where will I go? I have no keys and I have no money; but surely this remedy is much deeper than money, or keys for that matter" I said to myself as I was trying to figure out the golden rotary locks on my front door.

"Out the door and through the woods!" I yelled as I made my way into a pasture with 4 pine trees in it. Where I was going, that did not matter as I was in a state of panic. For I could not concieve how the forces of nature could continue to be a force without my dear friends captain and coke meeting once again.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

A Lover Quarrells

"I really wish you would lock the door when you come home!" she said with a sense of urgency. "Did you hear me? I said I wish you would lock the damn door!"

He pretended to ignore her and continued watching TV.

"Hey!" she yelled. "Are you listening to me? I said you need to lock the damn door!". She yelled as she hurled a stuffed animal at him, striking him on the side of the head.

He slowly picked up his towel and wiped the beads of sweat off of his forehead. He then picked up the remote and changed the channel on the TV.

"AAAGGGHHH" she yelled; as she went into the kitchen to do the dishes.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Cactus in the pants

The old guy said: "I dont watch the Bravo (TV Channel), those queer guys are on it"

So here it is, I of my favorite things to do is to look up the home page of the various towns that I have lived in throughout the years; which at the most recent count is 9. I check in just to see what is going on, look at some pictures, and wax nastalgic.

Recently I was looking at one of those towns and came across something a little strange. As I was scrolling down I saw the typical city homepage stuff: community calendar, city council, fire department, etc. When I looked at the police drop down menu up came the "Local Sex Offender Registry". hhhmmmm...I clicked on it and what popped up was quite amazing. I had a list of all of the local offenders, their present address, and pictures of them since convicted. I sifted through them and noticed a few familiar former school mates.

Then I began to wonder...Why would anyone put this stuff on a city homepage? For something that is supposed to attract visitors to the community, this seemed a little odd to me. Unless you are giving visitors something to do in an otherwise boring town. You could give guided tours "...and here resides John Boy the ring leader of our local child porno ring...ahh and over here across the street is..." or you could have a nice game every saturday night of "pin the tail on the rapist" even a "where's Waldo" contest of sorts...

This all seemed so strange to me that I checked a few other area towns of a comprable size to see if I could find any other registries...Of course I couldn't, and I believe that is because they actually want people to visit there town.

I do understand why these registries exist; and I am trying to not make fun of the purpose that they serve. However, I don't understand why it is in the middle of a towns "attractions" page? I think some I.T. guy in West Texas hit the peyote a little too hard that day.